THANKSGIVING

God's neat... Let's eat!

Hmmm... :D

Despite all of your disgusting fatness and horrible jokes, I love you :)

(You're welcome)

Life

is so much harder than it should be.

Summer 2008

I suppose my summer went very well as opposed to last summer. I grew in many different ways: as a human, as a Christian, and even in various relationships I think I grew stronger. It's not as if this summer, this two-month span of time, has changed everything about me, but I've certainly had experiences that led me to realize who truly cares about me and who I will always, always care for.

Life and Stuff.

It's amazing how a two-hour span can change your entire outlook on life. I am so greatful for how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do and to have been raised in the environment I am in. This summer has made me love who I am so much more than I did before it began.

"Sweet Rose"

I love the way things always work themselves out.
Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.


-Matt Costa

My sweet rose
As the two of us grow
I want you to know that nothing's quite as bad
As it seems when you're so sad
So remember my rose, remember my rose

My sweet rose
I'd like to say
I'd like to say no one always gets their way
And no one always thinks the same
My rose, remember my rose

When the seasons change
And the sky turns grey
When the leaves turn brown
I'll be around

My sweet rose
As the two of us change
I want you to know that nothing stays the same
But you and I, we will remain
My rose, remember my rose

When the seasons change
And the sky turns grey
When the leaves turn brown
I'll be around

I want you to know that nothing stays the same
But you and I, we will remain
My rose, remember my rose

My sweet rose I want to be,
I want to be the one to hold you tight
Have faith in me I'll be alright
My rose, remember my rose

When the seasons change
And the sky turns grey
When the leaves turn brown
I'll be around

I want you to know that nothing stays the same
But you and I, we will remain
My rose, remember my rose

I want you to know that nothing stays the same
But you and I, we will remain
My rose, remember my rose

It sure is funny

the way some things work out.

I am so rediculously sick

of being a girl.

Hm.

I've realized that the only thing in the entire world that will never hurt you is sleep.
I love sleep.

If My Daily Life Had A Theme,

The Last Thing On Your Mind- LIGHTS

:D!
We're officially going to the beach with the Kelly's.
I cannot tell you how happy that makes me.
It is quite possibly the best news I've received in the last two years of my life.
And I had some pretty spiffy conversations with Nolan and Colleen in the past couple days, too :3
I can tell this is going to be a good summer.

PS. I hate final exams.

I am so ready

to just get out of school for the summer and not have to deal with anybody there at all.
I'm so tired of all of this.

I Think I Might Change My Name To Tomorrow.

How in the world was I blessed with such great family and friends?

My birthday went better than I had originally expected.
Pool + fire + friends + cake + big ball + j-walking at 11 PM = perfect ingredients for a yummy Kendall birthday :D
There's nothing like smelling like smoke, chlorine, and perfume for two days ;)

Thanks to all of you who wished me and gave me a happy birthday.

Ps. I finally got my LOVE hoodie :D

Dear the Kelly Family,

I think about each and every one of you every single day.
There's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about you and wish I could see you all.
I don't know where in the world I would be if you all weren't in my life, and I would do anything, anything in the entire world to see you guys right this minute.
The next time I see you guys will really be the greatest thing to happen in two years. I have missed you all so much these last couple years and I can't express how excited I am to see y'all again.

Ps. Rest in peace, Kendall the kitty cat!

World Spins Madly On

It's surprising how after something that seems to mark a turning point in a person's life can be almost forgotten about within a matter of months; how something that seemed to be a cloud that followed you everywhere you went can just be overcome by something so much better, and you never realized how much better it could get.
In other words, life's good.

I figured I should update my "looking forward to" list, so here goes:
a) receiving my Dressed up like Dreams album sometime this April.
b) my birthday.
c) getting more paychecks $$$$.
d) summer.
I. beach trip with youth.
II. SEEING THE KELLYS at the beach with my family.
III. keeking for the first time in two years.
e) etc. small things not worth mentioning.

Dear Jim Sturgess,

You are incredibly adorable.
I love you.

Beech Plees?

I cannot express how badly I wish I were at the beach right now with the Kelly's.
It's been almost two years since I've seen them and I miss them so terribly.
It's weird to think that I haven't 'keeked' in almost two years.
Came awfully close tonight when I talked to Nolan after church, but I restrained myself since we were in Backyard Burger. :D
Lately I've been so stressed out and honestly, the only thing that keeps me going is The Rain Song on repeat.
I would do anything to be laying on the beach with them, being dunked so much to the point that I puke, making crappy sand castles, eating cold waffles in the condo, escaping jellyfish armies, having sleepovers and pulling lawn chairs from the deck in for Nolan to sleep on, flatironing Colleen's hair, playing with stuffed animals, keeking, souvenier shopping, conversating in the hottub, watching old Family Guy seasons, sitting out and talking all night on the deck, or eating Mr. Larry's famous garlic bread right now.

Sigh...

Hello Yellow

I'm glad to say I'm finally happy where I am with my life.

I am comfortable in my own skin.
I'm not constantly trying to impress anybody.
What's more is that I don't feel the need to impress anybody anymore.
I don't feel like any pieces of me are missing or that I'm still looking for something that's not there.
I have the friends and people I need to be happy and, honestly, that's all I want.

:F

I'm so ready

to move out of my house and go away to college, and above all make my own decisions and do what I want whenever I want.
The day I graduate will be the single greatest day of my entire life thus far.
I can't wait to never have to see some of the people I deal with on a regular basis again, ever.
Sure, moving away from my parents and [a VERY choice few] of my friends will be difficult, but I can honestly say I won't have a problem forgetting about the majority of you people.
You really may not be as important to me as you think you are. And by saying that, I mean exactly that.

I've decided

that all of the money I make working at the ball fields are going straight to my Backseat Goodbye collection until I'm satisfied with it. Then, I will save up for a car and such.

Today I pre-ordered the Dressed up like Dreams album, which will come with a signed poster! Unfortunately it won't be shipped until mid-April. At least I'll be getting it around my birthday :P

And since I'm just oh-so excited about life lately, I'm making a list of things that I'm looking forward to. It is as follows:

1) Dressed up like Dreams (SUCCESS!).
2) 30 Hour Famine at church this upcoming Friday.
3) End of Lent.
4) Spring Break.
5) The arrival of DULD.
6) My birthday!
7) Etc. Etc. Etc.

Life is good.

It's surprising how

even the "strongest" relationships fall apart, and how easily they can be replaced.

BAHAHAHA

This is quite possibly the most hysterically funny things I've seen in quite a while (note the "miz beaver" line at the bottom, HAHA). I mean come on, honestly, what kind of face was she trying to make? Pouty lips, dark porn star hair and drawn-on eyebrows certainly do not compliment her very well.

Onto other matters, I'm in an incredibly good mood, with the exception of my texting complications, hehe.

I've been absolutely craving all of our Beatles CD's that I loaned to Sadie quite a long time ago. I should probably see if she still has those.

Working for the first time this weekend at the ball fields with Shelbs. I'm pretty stoked. Only bad part is I have to wake up at 8 or so in order to be ready in time to leave. Can you say "E-A-R-L-Y!"?

Yeah, nothing too exciting happening this week. Kbai :D

I love it how

you think you're hiding things from me, when in reality I know exactly what you do.

Nathan,

I know we’ve grown apart, and I know I haven’t seen you in months, but hearing about what happened to you is just all so unreal. You were always there when I needed somebody to talk to, and you could always make me laugh when I wanted to strangle somebody. You always had a way of lighting up a room when you were in it. I really hope you left this world knowing how much you are loved and always will be. You had such a big heart, and I’ll never forget it. You cared so much about other people and couldn’t stand it when anybody was upset. It’s so unreal. It just hasn’t hit me yet. I can’t grasp the idea that I’ll never run into you at the mall again and just run up and hug you. I’ll never be able to ask you “how ya’ been?” and catch up on things. God, I just wish I could see you smile. I will never forget you and your big heart. It really astounds me that I’ll never see you again. I wish we had stayed in touch. I’m going to miss you, buddy. I can’t thank you enough for getting me through things that I thought I wouldn’t ever get through and checking up on me when we would stop talking. I wish the best for your family and friends, and I hope I’ll see you again someday. I love you, Nathan. God bless you.

With very, very much love,

Me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

"So, apparently, I've been confiding more in these blogs than I have in my friends, and I think that's something that needs to change. This will be my last blog for a while, until I can sort through all this stuff in my head.
If you haven't been able to tell lately, I've been feeling kind of blue. Some days, I feel perfectly happy as if my life couldn't get any better... and then there's others...
Those "others" are really seeming to take over my mindset, and it's not healthy. In fact, I can feel myself even getting physically unhealthy the more my mind clouds with these feelings. You might say, "Oh, it's just a girl thing," or, "Oh, she's just going through a rough time," but it is very real to me. While both of these statements may or may not be true, I'm still obviously significantly unhappy nonetheless. With every hour that goes by, I seem to question what it is in my life that there is to be happy about. The negatives definitely seem to outweigh the positives.
It has become very apparent to me that I am unable to create my own happiness, and that I must depend on others to help me. Seeing as I am a very independant individual, this might be a problem. I subconciously tend to push others away when I need them the most. I have yet to figure out how to fix that.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really know who I am or what I'm feeling anymore. I can't decide whether I should be happy or disgruntled with my life. Some of you may turn to God to help you with things like this. I guess you could say that I've tried that before, and it hasn't worked out for me. While I do want to somehow strengthen my "relationship" with God, I have yet to find a purpose in doing so, and as many times I have asked Him for guidance, I have only been kicked in the face with this realization that praying doesn't solve anything. I have officially lost all my faith in God, and don't see a way of getting back.
All I see left to help me is my friends, whom I have talked to about how I feel before. Of course, your friends are supposed to help you with things like this, but much as I have tried, it also has yet to be successful. Indeed, I appreciate all they do for me, and I'm very thankful that they are in my life, but I still don't seem to find what I lack in them. I have also realized that this problem does not lie inside them, but instead, it's an internal conflict that I must learn to solve myself. I realize that they have given me all they have to offer in a friendship, and that they have nothing left to give. I must also say that if it weren't for the friends I have now, to be perfectly honest, I probably wouldn't be here on this earth today.
With all this said, I am once again stumped with this feeling of insecurity and loneliness. Also stranded with no way to fix it, I must leave it be until I find out what I must do to help change it. All I can do now is ride this wave until it passes, when maybe I'll have some peace and quiet within the walls of my concience."

Just another thought.

I'm sick of my life being so chaotic.
Between juggling school, friends, and simply being a teenage girl, I never have any time to just sit and think things through.
I'm so ready for chaos to just leave me alone. I need some sort of stability in my life, something to depend on that won't change in the blink of my currently gold shimmering eyes.

I Miss You

-Blink 182.

It's hard seeing some of your best friends evolve into people you hardly know anymore.

Just a thought.

The General Specific

Okay, I'm going to throw this out there and make it clear that I am not the overly-emotional person this blogs may depict myself to be. I use this as a way to blow off steam and vent about things I'm either feeling strongly about or need to get off my mind. I happen to find writing about things easier than keeping them bottled inside. And if you haven't noticed, I usually post lyrics to a song I feel I can relate to at the time of posting an entry or just happen to like.

And by the way, if you have anything you feel like saying (if you even read this on a regular basis or have read just this particular entry and feel like sharing your thoughts on it) then I guess I should tell you that you don't have to have an account or give your email to anybody in order to leave a comment on these entries. You leave nothing but your name (or as "anonymous") and what you have to say. That's all.

Like I've said before, I didn't make this blog so I could tell the world about my problems or experiences, but strictly for the purpose of venting in a healthy, clean way. I can't stress enough that I didn't make this blog to have readers. However, hearing your thoughts never hurt anybody.

Hello Seattle

I'm still alive.
Phew.
:D

Artist: Owl City

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer
In the hills and highlands
I fall asleep in hospital parking lots
And awake in your house

Hello Seattle, I am a manteray
Deep beneathe the blue waves
I'll crawl the sandy bottom of Puget Sound
And construct a summer home

Hello Seattle, I am the cresant moon
Shining down on your face
I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill
And descend inside of you

Hello Seattle, I am a cold seahorse
Feeling warm in your sand
I sing about the tide and the ocean surf
Rolling in the evening breeze

Hello Seattle, I am an albatross
on the docks and your boats
I sail above your inlets and interstates
Through the rain and open wind

Hello Seattle, I am an old lighthouse
Throwing beams of bright lights
Red in the morning, blue in the evening sun
Taken heed from everyone

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer
In the hills and highlands
I fall asleep in hospital parking lots
Take me above your light
Carry me through the night
Hold me secure in flightSing me to sleep tonight
Take me above your light (Hello Seattle I am)
Carry me through the night (a mountaineer, In the hills)
Hold me secure in flight (and highlands I fall asleep in hospital)
Sing me to sleep tonight (parking lots and awake)

God,

I feel awful.
I have no excuse for myself or what I've done.

Wait For Me

This is what it's always going to boil down to, and that's all there is to it.
I don't know how much longer this can go on without destroying me.

Wait For Me
Sean Lennon


Please don't ask me why
True as a sky
Everyone is born to die
So take your time
But don't take mine
Lose yourself but don't lose your mind

Somewhere out there inbetween
The moon and the sea
I'll be waiting for you, my dear,
So wait for me

You can't regret what you forget
If only you could forget it
But it takes time and plenty of wine
The weight of the world there in your eye
Nothing could ever come to you unless you try, try, try

You find yourself in trouble
If you cannot tell a lie
Its easy as pie

Somewhere out there inbetween
The moon and the sea
I'll be waiting for you, my dear,
Just wait and see

Somewhere out there inbetween
The moon and the sea
I'll be waiting for you, my dear,
So wait for me

Sunset Never Came Home

It's only been a few days since my last post, but once again I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things turning in my head.
I am at the very, VERY end of my fuse.
I honestly don't think I can deal with this anymore. I can't handle myself with feelings like mine. I don't know how to cope with something this. Everything I've had in my control is crumbling in my hands.
If I could have any wish right now, honestly, I would wish to just completely skip the next few months of my life and never know what happened in them. I'm not looking forward to what's in store for me in the near future, and I can already tell I'm not going to deal with it well. Life is really taking it's toll on me right now.
Thank God I have The Beatles and Chad Mcyummypants to distract me from my thoughts on a rainy night like this.

Dead End

I figured it was about time I posted another entry, so here goes.

Lately I've been feeling down in the dumps more and more every day it seems.
I really wish I knew how to let go of everything and finally just move on with my life.
I don't have control over things anymore.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't have a grip on my life like I have for the past few months or so.
I'm in a hole that I don't know how to get myself out of.
I just feel so... sick. Like I'm drowning in my own problems and I don't know which way is up. I get so shaky and teary just thinking about it. I know it sounds rediculous, but it's the only way I know how to explain it. I'm just so lost.

And beside that feeling, just when I thought I was stable again, I started reliving everything that ever meant anything to me over and over again in my head, and I almost feel as if I want it all back. But at the same time, I'm sick of living in my past and holding on to all of those old memories. It's like I've started wanting more and more of what I used to have.
I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm at a loss of words, really.
Even despite how badly I used to feel about myself, I'm pretty sure if I ever got the opportunity to go back to it I would.
I just don't know how to let go.

I don't write anymore, either.


God, I must sound crazy. I know none of this makes sense. There's no way to put it in words.
I kind of wish that I could just completely skip the next 6 months of my life and never know what happened in it.


Lost Means Lost
Backseat Goodbye

collective thoughts collect like rain on your shoulder
this carpet tries too hard for no one to notice
so do i, but not on purpose
and no, i'm not listening
and no, that dream doesn't mean it was true
lost means lost, and i've got no way of getting through to you
of course you call it "ours" all you'd like
but when we hate each other who will take it home?
and will be alone when you say it's alright'
cause you're the only one who will know
and i know, and do you even remember
the color of my eyes
or even what my voice sounds like
well here's a reminder love
to go with those chills down your spine
whatever happened to our silhouttes
side by side in the middle of a park bench
we could sit there all day if the weather permits
but you'd rather stay inside'cause you're not much on the sun
you're a sucker for the shade and reruns
and no you don't cross my mind
when her lips keep mine company
it's more like we never were
before i knew what forever was
i thought hope was love
but it turns out, forever's just a word
and will you be alone when you're under the covers
as the sky falls will it be on purpose
or will you say it was just an "accident"
you didn't mean to pull that hard
you didn't mean to say those words
well i don't mean to break your heart
when i say goodbye
but i hope it at least hurts
and you said "you can save your "la da da's"
for your shitty love songs"
well as for me i'll be fine
you just let me know what it's like to be alone
and i'll be singing
yeah i'll keep singing
la da da da da da