Tuesday, August 28, 2007

"So, apparently, I've been confiding more in these blogs than I have in my friends, and I think that's something that needs to change. This will be my last blog for a while, until I can sort through all this stuff in my head.
If you haven't been able to tell lately, I've been feeling kind of blue. Some days, I feel perfectly happy as if my life couldn't get any better... and then there's others...
Those "others" are really seeming to take over my mindset, and it's not healthy. In fact, I can feel myself even getting physically unhealthy the more my mind clouds with these feelings. You might say, "Oh, it's just a girl thing," or, "Oh, she's just going through a rough time," but it is very real to me. While both of these statements may or may not be true, I'm still obviously significantly unhappy nonetheless. With every hour that goes by, I seem to question what it is in my life that there is to be happy about. The negatives definitely seem to outweigh the positives.
It has become very apparent to me that I am unable to create my own happiness, and that I must depend on others to help me. Seeing as I am a very independant individual, this might be a problem. I subconciously tend to push others away when I need them the most. I have yet to figure out how to fix that.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really know who I am or what I'm feeling anymore. I can't decide whether I should be happy or disgruntled with my life. Some of you may turn to God to help you with things like this. I guess you could say that I've tried that before, and it hasn't worked out for me. While I do want to somehow strengthen my "relationship" with God, I have yet to find a purpose in doing so, and as many times I have asked Him for guidance, I have only been kicked in the face with this realization that praying doesn't solve anything. I have officially lost all my faith in God, and don't see a way of getting back.
All I see left to help me is my friends, whom I have talked to about how I feel before. Of course, your friends are supposed to help you with things like this, but much as I have tried, it also has yet to be successful. Indeed, I appreciate all they do for me, and I'm very thankful that they are in my life, but I still don't seem to find what I lack in them. I have also realized that this problem does not lie inside them, but instead, it's an internal conflict that I must learn to solve myself. I realize that they have given me all they have to offer in a friendship, and that they have nothing left to give. I must also say that if it weren't for the friends I have now, to be perfectly honest, I probably wouldn't be here on this earth today.
With all this said, I am once again stumped with this feeling of insecurity and loneliness. Also stranded with no way to fix it, I must leave it be until I find out what I must do to help change it. All I can do now is ride this wave until it passes, when maybe I'll have some peace and quiet within the walls of my concience."